Shopping Shenanigans

When I go to stores, especially the big ones, I inevitably encounter all manner of beast. Here is a list of the beasts and their descriptions.

The Cloggers. These people are not putting on a dance show; that might be fun. No, they are the ones who seem unconcerned about integration into a world of other people. They can’t seem to move like most shoppers. You might find them hanging out at a food sample kiosk, like cowboys bellied up to a saloon bar. They are the people who waddle in meandering pairs in the aisle, side by side, as if to strategically block the other team from passing. They also like to strategically park their cart next to yours in the aisle, so that no one can pass. Then when someone behind you tries to pass, it’s your fault for clogging the aisle. If they find others of their own kind, they form a group, commanding the floor for their town hall meeting. Oh, what joy!

The Campers. These are the people who do their extensive research right in front of the section where you need to grab an item. You can neither see nor reach your item without encroaching into their campsite. If you try, you’ll be crossing the boundary of their established territory, making them the victims of a personal space violation. You might as well find something else to do and come back later, because they’re gonna be there for a while.

The Scooter People: This is not about disabled people who legitimately need help getting around. This is about people who seem to have given up on walking. Watch out for them, and your ankles, because they’re unpredictable and dangerous. They assume that they have the right-of-way and might get annoyed if they must maneuver their scooter around vertical shoppers in their way. Sometimes it’s too hard for them to turn or stop, especially when you have two good legs for dashing out of the way, you selfish walker. “Can’t you see I’m scooter entitled here?!”

The Cross Yellers. These are the people who seem to have an immediate need to communicate with someone on the other side of where you stand between them. They shout past you, almost through you to their cohort, something like, “Do you want the plain or spicy!” They yell, as though it could be meant for you because you’re deaf. It makes me want to relay the response back as loudly as they made the request. “She said plain!” But I can’t, because I don’t want an incident of shopping rage that will result in me being the bad guy on a YouTube video.

The Furniture Testers. They can’t simply sit in a recliner for a moment then move on. They must know how it will work under all conditions and lengths of time. If you stand nearby, looking at the chair, they assume it’s because you’re interested in their experience, not interested in trying it out yourself. “I look good in this don’t I?” as they take a selfie. This is another situation in which you might as well move on and do something else for a while.

The Game Testers. These are runaway kids who play video games incessantly. The spot becomes their own, personal video arcade. Unless you’re their adolescent friend, you’re not getting in there. You’re too old, anyway. And would you want to be seen doing that? “Did you see Bob the other day, pushing aside kids to play Animal Quackers at Walmart? What is he, 12?”

The Sneaky Line Cutters. This is a neat trick, and they count on people not saying or doing anything about their sneaky cutting; if you do, you’re the one with the problem. Let it go. Make your peace with living on the planet with these people. And they work in teams. One will get in line with a nearly empty cart. Their cohort will keep showing up and adding things to fill the cart, sometimes bringing a whole new cart filled with their junk. It’s as though we’re all waiting in line for nothing important, and they show up to join their party already in line ahead of you. Maybe karma will get them.

The Checkout Troublemakers. Checking out and moving on is too much to ask of these people. They have issues, and they must be dealt with right there in the checkout lane. Who knows what it is. It could be a strange check that needs to be verified. Maybe their coupons are questionable. Maybe they are questionable. Sometimes, the floor supervisor is called in for a meeting to find a solution. If you’re lucky, you just got into the lane, and you can back out and get into another lane, any lane. But if you’re not so lucky, you’re stuck watching the show, trying not to be bothered while your ice cream melts, as you think, I guess the kids will have cake and milkshakes for the birthday party.

The Checkout Staff. Most of the time the checkout staff are okay, sometimes nice, depending on which store you go to. But I always love getting in the line with the cranky ones, because it’s like they’re doing me a favor, putting up with me. If I don’t have my store card and payment method ready to be scanned on a moment's notice, I lose points. Gotta keep the line moving quickly. You’re in their domain now. Before, you were a shopper, but now you’re just annoying. Don’t make it worse by getting out of step in the process. And don’t try to feign pleasant conversation; this isn’t Trader Joes! Feel that little virtual push as you leave checkout? It’s the next person in line right on your heels. You’re done, bub; there’s the exit!

The Parking Sharks. These are the people who swoop the spot you’re waiting for. If parallel parking is involved, they swoop in from behind as you’re about to back into the spot. It’s really your fault for being foolish enough to attempt proper parallel parking. Better not say or do anything, especially nowadays, because you could end up in a situation in another YouTube video.

The Parking Waiters. They see a good spot and wait for the person to load their car and drive away. And of course, this process takes a while, because the person leaving notices the waiter, and therefore must take extra time. They will not be tread-upon; this is America, Jack! Meanwhile, you regret driving down that aisle and getting stuck as an unwitting spectator. You could have parked in a far spot and been in the store already. But this is life, and it’s so much more interesting this way, isn’t it?

The Cart Leavers. After they empty their cart full of junk food into their car, they leave the cart right there. There’s no time or energy enough to take it to the cart-return corral, so they just leave it for the next person to deal with. Maybe, just knowing that their deed will inconvenience someone, the way their life has been inconvenienced, gives them some kind of pleasure missing in their lives.

The Lot Zombies: I call them the walking dead. They meander across the parking lot as though they have no concern about being hit by a car. Maybe they want to be hit. Maybe they need the money they would hope to get from a lawsuit. Maybe they’re just tired of living. They never walk perpendicularly to traffic to get across as soon as possible. No. They take a nice, leisurely stroll, diagonally across all lanes of traffic. Maybe it’s some kind of fun to be in the way. Maybe it gives them a sense of empowerment. Maybe they're just that clueless; could it be? I wonder what it's like to not have a care.

The Ones Passing the Tests. Maybe shopping is a microcosm of life. And maybe, those of us who pass shopping shenanigans graduate to become less bothered by other things involving people in life. Wouldn’t that be nice?